How to Recover From a C-Section (With Bonus Husband Bragging Section)

So, this whole once every two week blog posting thing has really been going quite well, don't you all think?

...

Don't look at me like that, Mr Spock. 

Actually, we are in the middle of moving, again, since the place we are renting got sold. We could've waited until our lease was officially over to do the whole buying a house, then moving to said house, but that would have involved moving in the middle of December, in Michigan, with a far more mobile baby. I think there is a layer of hell that revolves around that very scenario.

Ah, yes, there it is. Right between Sisyphus and the rains of fire storming down upon usurpers and blasphemers.

Between packing and taking care of a tiny, screaming human (who looks like a little old man when she's really mad, which is hilarious), it has been a bit more difficult than I had previously anticipated to stay up to date on stuff like writing or showering on a daily basis. Slowly starting to get more and more used to the new flow of things though, so here we go with the promised topic!

As you all know, I had to have an emergency C-Section to get Ripley out into the world. Sucked, and wasn't exactly what I had planned, but all in all the best and only option I really had left in the end. However, after the surgery, not only did I have a newborn, but also a fancy, new, recently closed massive abdominal wound to look after. I am now recovered quite nicely, so I'm gonna go ahead and list all of the things I did that I believe helped me, for anyone else out there who go for the non-vagina route of baby birthing.

One day, I'm putting this on a cake for Ripley.

1. Don't Be Afraid To Push the Call Button

Here's the thing about having a baby forcibly removed from oneself; afterwards, you cannot move, because there is a hole in your stomach that has just been sewn up and it does not feel good. I sneezed once in the first day I was out of surgery, and thought that I had to have punched at least 30 puppies in a past life in order to deserve such pain.

Right in their adorable puppy faces.

Due to this fact, the hospital provides you with a call button; it's a magical thing that brings an absurdly cheerful person to your side, no matter what time it is, to do your bidding. It's pretty sweet.

Despite this magical ability that I had gained to get professional men and women to bring me juice whenever I wanted it, I had a genuine aversion to using it. I wanted to do everything by myself, even with the high dosage of pain meds and the catheter. (Oh yes, as a reminder, I had a catheter. Pee bag and everything.) Well, actually, I think it may have been less wanting to do everything myself, but actually feeling bad that I was making these people do menial things. (Like bring me juice.)

This came to a head during one of the few times that Grey was not in the room with me. Ripley was crying, and even though she was in a bassinet right next to me, it was too high for me to be able to reach over to get her. I was able to prop myself up with my elbows, but not able to actually use my torso to hold myself upright quite yet. I felt really helpless and frustrated.

Much like this gif of a cat who is too fat to scratch its ear. Also, you're welcome for this gif.

Then I realized that I was being stupid and pressed the call light. A nurse came in, changed her diaper, handed her over to me, and everyone was much happier.

One of the things I came to realize was that it was okay to ask for help. More than okay, it was what I needed to do in order to heal. Besides the fact that these people were being paid to make sure I was getting the help I needed, people in general are actually more than pleased to make things easier for you and your new human. I just had to buck up and accept that help and push that button; and as soon as I did, life got much better.

...

I couldn't tell you the things that I'd do to get a button that brings someone to change my baby's diaper again.

Mostly non-evil things. Mostly.

2. Get Ready for Some Weird Medical Stuff to Happen to You, Be Put in You, and Come Out of You

So, this point is less about what I did to make the process easier, and more a mass info-dump of all the weird shit that comes with childbirth, and a C-Section in particular, that I just straight up did not know was coming up. Some of it is pretty gross, and I am not afraid of getting overly graphic, but really, I know that's why a bunch of you read this blog anyways, so here we go.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww....tell me more.

Let me tell you about lochia. Lochia is Greek for "relating to childbirth." It is also real-life for tons and tons and tons of stuff coming out of your vagina in the days following having a baby. Now, normally, after having a kid, this lovely combination of blood, uterine lining, and bacteria just kind of sloughs right on out while you walk around. Being bed-ridden, I did not have gravity to help me out in this situation. Know what I did have? A whole bunch of nurses who came in a few times the first two days to massage my uterus. By massage, I mean four people stood over me and compressed my stomach for five minutes at a time, telling me to breath through the pain.

This is not fun. I do not recommend it if you are not looking for intense stabbing pain through your uterus.

Also, if this is done to you, for the love of your eyeballs, do not look down. It is sci-fi/horror movie weird the things that are coming out.

Just lean back and think of potoos, the most amazing bird on the planet.

As I told you guys in my previous post, I was preeclamptic by the end of the whole ordeal. In order to stop me from going eclamptic, which basically means seizures and other general awful-ness, I was put on magnesium sulfate. It is standard procedure to keep a patient on magnesium sulfate for at least 24 hours after birth, since the danger of seizures doesn't really wear off till then.

Magnesium sulfate sucks balls.

Huge, huge, giant balls.

Goddammit Japan. I was looking for pictures of giant beach balls, what is this?

Side effects of this drug include the following:

• Muscle Weakness and Lack of Energy (Had this, but I was also on some pretty strong pain meds, so really, I had no chance of not having it,)
• Blurry Vision (Had this, wheeeee.)
• Dry Mouth (Oh, man, did I have this one.)
• Headache (Nope, but again, pain meds.)
• Nausea (Yeppers!)
• Vomitting (Just a little-ers!)
• Heat flashes (Had this one like crazy)

Oh, and you are not allowed to eat or drink anything while on the magnesium. Not sure why, a nurse told me something about it building up in urine and they wanted to monitor the amount of urine I was making or something, but honestly, I was still pretty foggy at this point. So, I was allowed about 5 oz of water every 4 hours. This is not a lot, especially when you have the driest mouth and throat ever. 

Of course, I also really like not having seizures, so I didn't complain too much about it. I was super duper happy to be off of it when I was allowed to, though. I got like a 2-liter cup worth of water, followed by apple juice, and it was amazing. Then I ordered some hospital food, which was super not awesome.

....that's okay, I think I'll just stick to the IV fluid, thanks.

Also, don't do any of these things: sneeze, take too deep of breath, cough, or laugh.

Those hurt bunches. You also risk accidentally popping out a staple. I did not do this, so I can't tell you how it feels, but my brain tells me that I probably would not have liked it.

These actions also make lochia come out of you. And that's gross.

3. Take It Easy, But Not Too Easy

One major thing I noted about the C-Section was how notably similar it felt to when I had my gall bladder out last October. That makes sense, as both procedures knocked me out and removed a big ole' bundle of something or the other from my abdomen area.

This should really serve as a warning for all my other organs. Listen up, spleen. You start acting up and giving me crap and I will not hesitate to rip you right on out.

That goes double for you, appendix.

So, I pretty much handled this recovery the same as I did that one, and I think it worked out well for me. Basically, you just gotta listen to your body and take baby steps in doing things. Take going to the bathroom. The first thing I focused on was sitting up on my own, without getting anyone to help me. Then, I tried to stand out of bed by myself. Then, walking alone. Breaking it down into smaller goals that I knew I could achieve without pushing my body too hard made it easier on me.

Walking itself was actually pretty sucky during recovery. First day, I didn't even try. My day was uterus massage, pass out, uterus massage, complain about magnesium, sleep, look at my baby, sleep, and that was about it. The second day, I might have forced myself a bit too much, but with the reward of getting the catheter out being dangled in front of me, I really made myself work on that lap around the ward. The next time I got up was much harder, so maybe I should have slowed down. But dammit, I had a dream!

The reality of not peeing into a bag, hallelujah.

Essentially, if you want to get better, you can't just lay in the hospital bed and wait forever. At the same time, you absolutely need to listen to your body when it tells you need to lay your butt back down and watch TV. It's a balance, and once you get it down, you start feeling better and can start becoming a moving, normal human.

Plus, the sooner I was up and about, the sooner I could take my baby home to meet the kitties.

Then proceed to take a million pictures of how cute they are together.

Fun fact: after having a C-Section, you get pretty constipated. The way to fix this is to walk and have gravity work on the poop for you. So, there's that information. Do with it what you will.

4. Lean on Your Partner

I am really lucky. I have a great partner that I could rely on, and rely on him I did. Grey did a lot during this whole process which really made it easier on me. I think it's important for me to highlight how he's been an integral part of this whole thing, since, like I said, dad's get kind of a bad rap in the parenting world.

Things like this INFURIATE me.

Having a kid is, in the best of circumstances, a team effort. I have huge, crazy respect for those of you out there who do this on your own. I don't know how I would've been able to keep from just ugly crying the whole five days that I spent in the hospital if Grey hadn't have been there, so anyone out there who didn't have that support, you are amazing and impressive.

That being said, I did have my baby-daddy (I am not up-to-date on the proper way of this lingo, is there a hyphen, should it be baby's daddy, I have no idea) there and he did a good job. He stayed in the hospital with me everyday (even though he didn't have paternity leave), took care of Ripley while I was passed out on numerous occasions, helped me go to the bathroom, did not make fun of my hospital gown being backless even once, cleaned up the bedroom from my water breaking, turned on Jerry Springer for me when I was feeling the worst from the magnesium, and any number of other things that I know I'm missing.

Oh, and he brought me chicken fingers and french fries. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Steak N' Shake is better than a bouquet of roses. Stick it in a vase and hand me some ranch sauce, I'm in love.

All in all, the hospital was not a bad place to be. Everyone was really nice and treated me well, I could have all the juice I wanted, and people changed my baby's diaper if I asked (yes, I'm still dwelling on this). C-Sections are not fun by any means, but I don't think having it took away from my "birthing experience" or anything like that.

Once I got home, the healing process actually went quite quickly, and all I have left now is a sweet scar. Oh, and a pretty sweet baby.

Seriously, look how cute this thing is. Ugh, she's so cute, I just wanna yell at people.

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