5 Tips For Taking Care of a Newborn (Written by the Incompetent for the Clueless)

I have absolutely no idea what to do with a baby.

Seriously. I have never baby sat, I have never been in contact with any baby relatives, and I have never taken a home ec class.

The extent of my knowledge of infants when we brought Ripley home was which end poop came out of, and which end food goes in. Not the worst place to start, but not ideal when a tiny human in completely dependent on you to not die.

Oh, wait, I also knew that you should not put your mouth anywhere near that area. So that's three things I knew.

Once we got out of the hospital, and away from the blessed call button, we were pretty much on our own. And, since Grey had to go back to work because he didn't get any paternity leave and used all his vacation days staying in the hospital with me, that meant I was pretty much on my own.

There was much crying and wailing, from both me and the baby, but somehow, we've made it this far, despite my previous lack of experience. Now, I think it's time to take my panicked quest for baby knowledge and do something useful with it, besides keep my child alive.

So, with this post, I will be presenting a crash course in baby. Having been with a baby for nearly three months now, I can verify that I am now an expert and that everything I say is exactly how things should be done with all children.

"Hello, my name is Ripley, and much like my diaper, my mom's previous statement is full of poo."

1. When in Doubt, YouTube

So, when I say I had no idea what I was doing with a baby, I meant that in the most complete way possible. I did not know how to change a diaper, how to put a onesie on something that is wiggling, screaming, and puking on you all at the same time, how to burp a baby, how to properly wash a baby, or any number of things that I did not receive a manual on when the hospital let me leave with a real life child.

Fortunately, there is a manual out there, and its name is YouTube.

YouTube - Not just for cat videos. Just mostly for cat videos. 

I first learned to turn to YouTube in college, when I had to find out how to unclog an overflowing toilet RIGHT THE HELL NOW OMG. So, when once again I was faced with a seemingly unending flow of excrement, I turned on my computer and typed in "how to change a baby." And there, in step by step explanations, was my virtual salvation.

Seriously, there is a how-to video for everything on that site. I did not know how to burp Ripley. There's a video on there, and the lady was lovely, had a fake doll and a burp rag, and told me I was doing a good job. I was having problems getting onesies on the child without getting stuck on various baby parts, and BAM, there's a video of a mom pulling clothes over a giant headed child without missing a beat. It's like magic. Wonderful, baby-skill teaching magic with some of the worst background music you've ever heard, but that's a small price to pay.

Plus, the benefit to using YouTube as opposed to asking an actual human for help is that YouTube does not judge you for not knowing things or doing them wrong. YouTube cannot hurt your feelings or make you feel dumb, which is something that people are good at, and when you already feeling dumb staring at a naked baby butt and a diaper, you just don't want to deal with that, now do you?

Pictured: Not YouTube

2. As Long As Your Baby is Fed, You Are Doing It Right

I really had my heart set on breast feeding Ripley. During the pregnancy, my breasts went from a respectable C cup to an awe-inspiring H, so I didn't want all that real estate expansion to go to waste. My kiddo, on the other hand, had other ideas.

A lesson I learned and that I am passing onto all of you out there without babies; newborns are dumb. Like, I know I shouldn't probably say that, but really, they are not smart at all. If they were, they would come out of the womb knowing that a boob is for food, instead of me having to juggle mine around my body until I could figure out a way for her to actually eat. The only position that worked was one that was called the "football hold." This is where you tuck the child to the side, and then, while holding her in the crook of your elbow, kinda just shove your boob in their face at an angle.

This is not the correct way to do the football hold. That's so silly, how would you even get your boob up there?

Even with this position, it was hard to get the kid to latch on. In the hospital, lactation specialists tried to help, but it got to the point where I had one person holding a screaming Ripley, and the other wrangling my breasts around to try to figure out how to get her to eat. Needless to say, it was not fun. Then, when I got home, it was even worse, because there was no one to help. I cannot find the words to adequately explain the frustrated feelings you get when you are half naked, covered in spit, and trying to force an extremely unhappy and very loud baby to keep your nipple in her mouth. Even YouTube was failing me. Plus, the comments on breastfeeding how-to videos are by far the creepiest things EVER.

"I believe this breastfeeding woman would benefit from me telling her that her nipples are 'scrumptious'," says the person who should never have access to the internet ever again. 

So, instead of wrestling with Ripley, I just turned to the breast pump, stuck the milk in the bottle, and bam, baby is fed and everyone is happy. It's a little annoying, because I have to pump at least every four hours to keep up with her, but it's alright, mostly because I like having a fully fed baby and also because formula is ridiculously expensive.

There are some out there who think I should have tried harder to get her to latch, because that's what a good mother should do. The nice thing about this, though, is that those people are a tiny minority of people out there. Most people don't care if you feed your child out of a bottle, or with formula, or straight from the good ole' mammory glands. Seriously. Unless you're cranking your newborn full of Monster energy drink and navy-style gin via water gun to the face, I guarantee the majority of folks out care more about the new Walking Dead episode than what goes into your kid and how that happens.  Those who do care and disagree with your method are usually smart enough to keep their mouth clamped.

I am currently keeping the gin water gun idea on the "to-do" list for Mommy Time later.

For those special few individuals who would say something to you, keep this in mind: it's cool, because they suck and are, in fact, big, leaky douchebags.

3. Breast Pumps are Weird

Let's talk about breast pumps. I have a love/hate relationship with this machine. On the one hand, it has allowed Ripley to still have breast milk, and that is awesome for her and my wallet. On the other hand, it is really loud, takes two hours a day (15 minutes every three hours), and makes me feel like a cow.

Not in a fat way. Like, literally, this is kind of what breast pumping looks like.

Pumps are actually quite useful to have around even if you are actually breast feeding; they allow someone besides your breasts to feed your child, which is useful if you and your boobs would like to be somewhere without the kid for any period of time. They come in either manual or electric form, and, at this point, are covered by all insurances, so you can pick out whatever works for you. If you know me, you know I am lazy, so of course I got a mechanical pumper. Specifically a Medela Pump In Style Advanced.

My little, yellow breast-sucking pal.

So, how it works is you take those two breast shields and put them on your breasts, with the nipples centered. You make sure the hoses are properly in the shield and the pump itself, then switch it on. Now, here you gotta be careful. The power on this thing ranges from the wind generated from butterfly wings to that one scene in Aliens 4 where the alien gets sucked into space through a tiny hole in the spaceship. It's a delicate balance.

Then you sit there while the pump does the work for you. I've taken to playing on the iPad or doing crossword puzzles while sitting at the dining room table. It's like relaxing "me" time, only with a background noise of "GSH GSH GSH GSH GSH" instead of a gentle ocean breeze. I also have my cellphone nearby with a timer on it, since I usually go for 12 minutes (the first 2 minutes is called the "let-down" which opens up the milk ducts, then 10 minutes of actual pumping).

Of course, this is the ideal time for people to call or knock on the door. If it's right after the let-down period, milk is pretty much streaming out, so it's awesome when someone needs you three minutes into this process.

"We come a knocking when your knockers are a'pumping!"

Oh, and one last thing about using a breast pump. Be super careful with the flange on the end of the shield. I tried to pry it off one day to clean it out, and without knowing so, ruined the suction. I went almost two weeks thinking there was something wrong with me because I was hardly getting any milk out, and my ducts were getting plugged, which hurts. Luckily, I had an extra set the hospital gave me, so as soon as I figured out what was really wrong, and switched them out, I was back in milky business.


4. Babies are Surprisingly Sturdy Little Buggers

When I was first handed Ripley, she was so tiny, I thought there couldn't possibly be anything more fragile than this itty bitty human. I was afraid of holding her tight. The idea of hitting her on the back to burp her was, frankly, horrifying.

You....you want me to hit this tiny, perfect creature? You MONSTER!

Here's the truth: babies may spit up all over themselves constantly and have the smallest, cutest feet, but they do not break as easy as you may think. That doesn't mean you should carry them around by one leg, swinging them around like some weird, wiggly medieval flail. What this does mean is that they are not going to break into a million pieces if you accidentally hit them on that stupid handle on the car seat AGAIN GODDAMMIT.

It's like a freaking baby head magnet is installed in that thing.

Plus, if you ever think that a baby is weak, you have never had one pull your hair unexpectedly. It'll make you want to cry, but you have to keep quiet because she just fell asleep, so you have to figure out how to get those little fingers out of your scalp without waking her up. Never underestimate your baby.

This point actually leads me to my final piece of advice...

5. This Will All Become Second Nature, Crazy Fast

I didn't know how to change a diaper. I didn't know how to swaddle. I didn't even know you needed to support a baby's head when you pick them up because otherwise those noggins go everywhere.

Despite my initial, scatter-brained handling of my newborn, she is a super happy baby. And, you know what? That's because I caught on. And if I can catch on to these things, I promise you can too. Whether it be from YouTube, helpful tips from other people, or just weird intuition, learning how to take care of a baby isn't as insurmountable of a task as I was terrified that it would be.

Diapers can be full of disgusting poop, but it is almost surprising how quickly you get used to all that excrement. Ripley has full on projectile pooped on Grey and I, and while we acknowledge that it is super duper gross, neither of us have freaked out or had a meltdown over it. I can honestly say that my child is the only person in the world who can spray me down with feces and have me not get too terribly upset about it. Not even my adorable kitties can get away with that.

They can get away with being so super cute in Boppy's though. Look at that face.

After a bit, you just kinda know what to do. You figure out what makes your baby happy (Ripley loves getting her legs played with), and you figure out what they hate (tummy time pisses off the child like nothing else). It's actually kinda weird. Basically, you don't even need this list. You got this, and even if you don't right now, you will.

And just remember, if all else fails, YouTube it.

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