Three Things to REALLY NEVER Say to A Pregnant Person

I know, I know, there are literally hundreds of websites and blogs that have fun lists of things to never say to a pregnant lady, and they all say pretty much the exact same things: do not tell her she is fat, do not tell her she is too young/old for a baby, and do not ask if she is sure who the daddy is.

This is basically your best option.

To be honest though, besides those obvious social faux-paus, I found a bunch of things on those lists that are completely harmless and not bad at all. Asking about my baby's sex or if we have her name picked out yet aren't rude questions, really, they're just conversation points. Even telling me things I already know, like that we will miss sleeping in or that my house will forever be covered in feces and tears, or giving random parenting advice aren't that annoying to me either. Usually, if that conversation starts to crop up, I just nod and start thinking about whatever I happen to be craving at the moment.

Why did I Google Image search donuts, now I really want a donut, mnggggggghhh.

But, friends, I would not be here, typing on this blog when I could be eating donuts, if I didn't have for you some real winners of what really not to say to a pregnant lady. I don't even know how to properly prepare a reader for how amazingly terrible these were, so let's just plow right through and get to the juicy bits.

All I typed in was juice. Donuts, why must you torment me so?

1. The Coworker

This gem came from about a month ago, so after we had the scary ultrasound, but before we had the good news that Ripley was a-OK. 

I was telling one of my coworkers about the MaterniT21 test. One thing I did not mention in the previous post regarding the test, and that I was explaining to her, was the chance of a false positive versus a false negative. The way the company handles the test, any weird results or things that might be one way or the other, would automatically get marked as a positive. It drastically reduces levels of false negatives, even if it is at the expense of having a few more false positives. (This isn't a diagnostic test, so if you were to get back a positive, most OB's recommend getting an amnio, which is diagnostic, not screening.)

So this was our conversation:

Me: So, yeah, learning that actually makes me feel a lot better.

Coworker: How so?

Me: Well, they don't have a single case of a false negative, so if we were to get a negative result, it's pretty much a for sure thing, which would be great.

Coworker: Oh, honey, there's a first time for everything.

Me: ....

Coworker: ....

My reaction, minus the mustache.

In a small way, I was almost impressed with how perfectly bad a response that was. Almost. 

She did have the good grace to go beet red and run away. So at least, in her defense, she did realize that that was the wrong thing to say, I assume.

What My Response Should Have Been: "Why, thank you, I hadn't realized that there was that to stress over too. Wow, now I can be filled with anxiety even if I do get good news back! How cool!"

The Lesson Here: DO NOT SAY THAT TO A PERSON WHEN THEY ARE WAITING FOR RESULTS ABOUT THEIR BABY, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

2. The Lady Watching Me Drinking a Fanta

I was in the break room at work, enjoying a delicious orange-flavored and colored fizzy drink, minding my own business, when a lady from another department, who I've met like twice, comes up to me and opens her mouth to say this to me:

"I have a friend whose daughter's baby just got diagnosed with autism. They believe it's because she drank too much caffeine. I just thought I would tell you, since I saw you drinking that."

Pictured: An evil, baby-hating carbonated beverage.

All I could think to say was that Fanta doesn't have any caffeine, to which she responded, well you can't be too safe. Then she just walked away, like the jerk she was.

Number one, there haven't been any cases of caffeine causing autism in pregnancy. There have been a few linking high levels of caffeine having some connection to miscarriages, but several recent studies have shown that there are absolutely no risks to having a moderate level of caffeine a few times a week. It's really rude to assume that I didn't think to ask my OB about what foods and drinks are safe for me to have. 

Which doesn't matter because it's Fanta and Fanta is only filled with high fructose corn syrup, sugar, food coloring, and deliciousness, not caffeine. 

What My Response Should Have Been: Look her dead in the eyes, chug the rest of the drink, then burp defiantly.

The Lesson Here: Educate yourself on beverages before you try to educate me about my pregnancy.

3. Old Woman in the Parking Lot

As you all know, I have found that my pregnancy has not entirely been a springtime of beauty and enlightenment. In fact, I hadn't really thought of one perk of being pregnant, except that I can blame forgetting things that I would normally forget on "pregnant brain."

But then, driving to the grocery store to pick up some microwavable ravioli, I saw a glorious sign. A sign that showed me that, yes, there can be one perk to being pregnant, and it can only exist for you while you are pregnant. 

It's so beautiful.

I'll admit, I don't even know why I was so excited to park here, but some reason, it just felt super special and nice. It was like finding a dollar in your pocket; it's not really worth much, but you weren't expecting it, and it made your day just a little nicer. 

So I pulled into the lot, happy. As I lock the door and walk towards the store, I hear a little "ahem."

I turn around and there is a tiny, old woman behind me. She looks at me, smiles, then says the following sentence.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you're pregnant enough for that spot."

While I just gape, open mouth and confused, she nods at me, then walks around me, into the store.

"I also noticed you were happy. You should stop that too, it's unseemly."

Now, I suppose I should mention that I have actually lost weight during this pregnancy. Despite having a decent sized belly bump and having breasts that have grown four cup sizes, I have gone from a size 10 to a size 6. Given that, all of my clothes are huge on me, so I don't particularly look that pregnant.

I wouldn't have normally even parked in that parking spot, but I was having a particularly bad nausea day, even with my medicine, had to pee (pregnant people have to pee all the time, have I told you guys this?), and was just exhausted in general. There are also about eight of these spaces in this particular lot, and all of them were open that day...and you know what, screw all of that. I don't need any excuses.

None of that matters. Even me not looking pregnant matters. You should never, EVER say that to someone. It's not like I was taking up a handicapped spot, I was taking an expectant mother parking spot. The only requirement for that is to be a human being making another human being inside of your body.

I only get to park there for 40 weeks, I sure as hell am going to take advantage of it while I can, and that old lady can go ahead and kiss my baby-making ass while I do it.

She'll have to do it while I mop the remains of this bad boy up with a glazed donut.

What My Response Should Have Been: I am actually not sure what would have been appropriate. Maybe I could've shown her my new super power of being able to puke spontaneously or crying while reading sad comic book character origin stories? (Seriously, try to not cry after reading Dex-Starr's backstory. That shit is heartbreaking.)

The Lesson Here: Don't judge people, or if you do, do it silently so they don't rant about you on the Internet to all of their friends, who will then hate you.

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We Picked Out a Name!

Grey and I are weirdos and have actually had a list of names ready for all of our potential babies for years now.

Like I said, weirdos.

So, since we know the gender of the our tiny human, we have the name all ready to go!

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN!

And her name is....

Ripley Ellen Maixner!

Allow me to both anticipate and then answer your possible questions.

Yes, we are naming her after the main character from the movie Alien.

Behold, the most badass crazy cat lady of all time.

Why, yes, that does make us super awesome, thank you for pointing that out.

No, we did not pick that name because it would be a coincidence if I happen to have a C-Section, what with Alien being about a baby alien that pops out screaming out of the torso of a human. (Man, what happened with that sentence.) That's not really part of my birthing plan or anything.

Don't know if my insurance covers this situation.

Yeah, that's pretty much all I got.

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Spoiler Alert: This Has a Happy Ending

As a prelude to this post, I have been waiting to bring up this subject until we actually had answers, so I wouldn't end up worrying people needlessly. We got our happy news on Monday, so the rest of the time not writing this post has just been me procrastinating.

So, early February, (almost typed earlier this month, which, if I had written this when intended, I could've just went ahead and did) we had our first ultrasound to take a look at tiny human. This was also the first visit that Grey came with, seeing as the first doctor's visit was to fix my fun vomiting problem, and the second one was mostly my OB taking samples from various places and telling me my uterus felt "spongy."

I still don't know if I want to know what that really means.

As this was going to be the first time we actually got to put a grainy, black-and-white kinda face to our baby, we were both pretty excited when the ultrasound tech brought out her magic wand and luke-warm gel. I roll up my shirt, she turns on her fancy machine, and BAM!

Behold, the cause of my nausea and Indian food cravings!

To be perfectly honest with you guys, although this was a great moment, it wasn't emotionally overwhelming or anything. I was prepared from various sources that I would instantly be brought to tears upon first sight of our baby, but it didn't happen. Part of this was that I wasn't feeling that great, and the other part was that an ultrasound kinda makes everything look like a morel mushroom.

Behold, the cause of my nau...wait a minute...

While Grey and I were making inappropriate mushroom jokes, we did notice the ultrasound tech was taking an awfully long time. Grey even asked her after a while if everything was alright, to which she responded, "We don't actually do any analyzing here, but your doctor will let you know how things are progressing." 

Remarkably, that did not lower any sort of anxiety.

Cue fifteen minutes later, and my OB comes into the room, holding a clipboard and a brochure. She takes a deep breath, then tells us that our ultrasound was not good. It revealed that our baby had a high nuchal translucency score. If you're so inclined, you can find more information about NT scores here, but basically it is a measurement of the fluid underneath the skin behind the baby's neck. An increased measurement level can be a sign of a serious chromosomal disorder. So, insanely scary news.

My doctor then hands me the brochure, which is for a test called MaternitT21. It's a blood test that can determine with a much higher level of accuracy if our baby does in fact have one of three major chromosomal disorders. The most common, which the test gets the name from, is Trisomy 21, Downs Syndrome. The other two, which are less common, are Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13. These two, unlike most Downs babies, are pretty much guaranteed fatal within a few months of birth.

Anxiety levels, which were high, zoomed up to numbing levels, fueled by a few extra millimeters of fluid and a brochure.

We were left to call our insurance to ensure that the test would be covered (which it wasn't, initially), and then the nurse came in to talk with us some more. Before I launch into my rant about this fun talk, let me get a bit clinical about soft factors, chromosomal anomalies, and genetic testing.

We could all use a cute kitty picture right meow.

This is the thing about NT scores; it is a soft factor. This means that it shows an increased chance of a chromosomal disorder. It, by no means, is a guarantee. Upon further research, this translates to the following - my baby, before we had the ultrasound, had a .09% chance of being born with Downs (sticking with statistics with Downs, since it is much more common than the other two). After the ultrasound, we discovered our chances went up to 2-10%, depending on the study we looked at. A significant jump, yes, but if there's a 90% chance of getting ice cream, versus a 10% chance of not, I'm going to buy some ice cream cones.

Congratulations, Sylvia, here's your terrible analogy trophy for the day.

The nurse who came in did not tell us these statistics. She just told us that our baby was much more likely to have a chromosomal disorder. When we asked for more information, what we got was one anecdotal story about a woman whose baby had a high NT score who ended up having Downs, and a "reassurance" that the ultrasound techs are "very good and do not give false positives."

Here's the situation; I realize that statistics and numbers tend to be bad in the hands of humans. We tend to bend them in the direction of our favor, and they are not as reliable as we'd like them to be. However, when it comes to medical issues like this one with our baby, I don't see how one story about a woman who could be any age, and come from any background, ending up having a baby with Trisomy 21 is supposed to be any better.

If my nurse's choice of bed-side manor was not simple mishandling, and instead, a push to get us to take the blood test, then that's unnecessary. I wanted to do all the screenings I possibly could for our baby, because I am a control freak and knowledge makes me feel better. I don't need any pushing one way or the other. 

The main reason why I decided to go so in depth with this post is for anyone else out there who may run into this problem too. I had to dig for the info that I found, and finding clinical data versus emotional debates about the testing itself was not fun to slog through while crying over a red pepper bisque soup at a local cafe. (Grey and I like to eat when we are sad, and the soup at that one place is freaking amazing.)

And yes, I am an ugly crier. Thanks for noticing, all other patrons of Pekara.

At the end of the day, with more information and statistics under our belt, Grey and I were able to sit down and actually discuss what we were really dealing with; an increased chance, but ultimately, still a small one. So, we talked about what we would do in each situation, and really, after fully thinking about it and actually having a plan in place for what we would do, good or bad, I felt much, much better.

From this point on, I am going to be fairly straight forward with my OB regarding wanting medical statistics and more information. I consider myself a pragmatist at heart, and in terms of my baby, being armed with knowledge is going to be much better for me and tiny mushroom-look-a-like. I need to have something to lean on besides my own emotions and a few anecdotal stories.

So, after a 72 hour waiting period, which is what my insurance considers to be "urgent rush pre-approval scheduling," I went and gave blood for the MaterniT21 test. Then it was a matter of just sitting and waiting a week for the testing to be completed by a lab in California.

Which totally sucked by the way. A week is a long time, especially in terms of your baby.

Maybe if I eat my laptop, time will go by faster.

Then, a week passed, and I got a phone call from my nurse.

Due to the snow, my blood took an extra four days to get to the lab. So, it was going to be another week before we got results.

Alright, we're doing this.

Then, another week passed.

My phone rings.

And, drum roll please?

Dundundundundundundun.

Negative, across the board.

No caption necessary. 

Overall, though, I am still really happy that we live in an age where this type of non-invasive testing is even possible. The thing is, at this point, we still had options and choices open. Giving parents this kind of information so early in a pregnancy, though stressful in the short term, really does help. Because of the blood test, the next step after the bad ultrasound didn't have to be an amniocentesis, which, for those who don't know, if a procedure where amniotic fluid is gathered from the fetus though, collective cringe, an obscenely long needle straight through the abdomen. Not only is this procedure painful, but it does up the chance of miscarriage slightly. I still would have done it, to be honest, but it was nice not having it be the only option.

Here's some links to a few articles I found that also talk about this newer genetic screening that I had. I take offense with a few people who were quoted - one of which who said, "I think regulators, legislators, doctors, will have to make some hard decisions about what kind of information they want give parents.." - because people who are mature enough raise a child are not mature enough to handle information regarding said child's health, right? Besides a few quotable jerkwads, though, it's mostly still great information.

I will stop my ranting. Here's some links: One, Two, and Three

One last thing about the test results.

It lets us know the gender of our itty-bitty human.

We're having a girl!

And now to find the schematics of this costume...

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