Three Things to REALLY NEVER Say to A Pregnant Person

I know, I know, there are literally hundreds of websites and blogs that have fun lists of things to never say to a pregnant lady, and they all say pretty much the exact same things: do not tell her she is fat, do not tell her she is too young/old for a baby, and do not ask if she is sure who the daddy is.

This is basically your best option.

To be honest though, besides those obvious social faux-paus, I found a bunch of things on those lists that are completely harmless and not bad at all. Asking about my baby's sex or if we have her name picked out yet aren't rude questions, really, they're just conversation points. Even telling me things I already know, like that we will miss sleeping in or that my house will forever be covered in feces and tears, or giving random parenting advice aren't that annoying to me either. Usually, if that conversation starts to crop up, I just nod and start thinking about whatever I happen to be craving at the moment.

Why did I Google Image search donuts, now I really want a donut, mnggggggghhh.

But, friends, I would not be here, typing on this blog when I could be eating donuts, if I didn't have for you some real winners of what really not to say to a pregnant lady. I don't even know how to properly prepare a reader for how amazingly terrible these were, so let's just plow right through and get to the juicy bits.

All I typed in was juice. Donuts, why must you torment me so?

1. The Coworker

This gem came from about a month ago, so after we had the scary ultrasound, but before we had the good news that Ripley was a-OK. 

I was telling one of my coworkers about the MaterniT21 test. One thing I did not mention in the previous post regarding the test, and that I was explaining to her, was the chance of a false positive versus a false negative. The way the company handles the test, any weird results or things that might be one way or the other, would automatically get marked as a positive. It drastically reduces levels of false negatives, even if it is at the expense of having a few more false positives. (This isn't a diagnostic test, so if you were to get back a positive, most OB's recommend getting an amnio, which is diagnostic, not screening.)

So this was our conversation:

Me: So, yeah, learning that actually makes me feel a lot better.

Coworker: How so?

Me: Well, they don't have a single case of a false negative, so if we were to get a negative result, it's pretty much a for sure thing, which would be great.

Coworker: Oh, honey, there's a first time for everything.

Me: ....

Coworker: ....

My reaction, minus the mustache.

In a small way, I was almost impressed with how perfectly bad a response that was. Almost. 

She did have the good grace to go beet red and run away. So at least, in her defense, she did realize that that was the wrong thing to say, I assume.

What My Response Should Have Been: "Why, thank you, I hadn't realized that there was that to stress over too. Wow, now I can be filled with anxiety even if I do get good news back! How cool!"

The Lesson Here: DO NOT SAY THAT TO A PERSON WHEN THEY ARE WAITING FOR RESULTS ABOUT THEIR BABY, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

2. The Lady Watching Me Drinking a Fanta

I was in the break room at work, enjoying a delicious orange-flavored and colored fizzy drink, minding my own business, when a lady from another department, who I've met like twice, comes up to me and opens her mouth to say this to me:

"I have a friend whose daughter's baby just got diagnosed with autism. They believe it's because she drank too much caffeine. I just thought I would tell you, since I saw you drinking that."

Pictured: An evil, baby-hating carbonated beverage.

All I could think to say was that Fanta doesn't have any caffeine, to which she responded, well you can't be too safe. Then she just walked away, like the jerk she was.

Number one, there haven't been any cases of caffeine causing autism in pregnancy. There have been a few linking high levels of caffeine having some connection to miscarriages, but several recent studies have shown that there are absolutely no risks to having a moderate level of caffeine a few times a week. It's really rude to assume that I didn't think to ask my OB about what foods and drinks are safe for me to have. 

Which doesn't matter because it's Fanta and Fanta is only filled with high fructose corn syrup, sugar, food coloring, and deliciousness, not caffeine. 

What My Response Should Have Been: Look her dead in the eyes, chug the rest of the drink, then burp defiantly.

The Lesson Here: Educate yourself on beverages before you try to educate me about my pregnancy.

3. Old Woman in the Parking Lot

As you all know, I have found that my pregnancy has not entirely been a springtime of beauty and enlightenment. In fact, I hadn't really thought of one perk of being pregnant, except that I can blame forgetting things that I would normally forget on "pregnant brain."

But then, driving to the grocery store to pick up some microwavable ravioli, I saw a glorious sign. A sign that showed me that, yes, there can be one perk to being pregnant, and it can only exist for you while you are pregnant. 

It's so beautiful.

I'll admit, I don't even know why I was so excited to park here, but some reason, it just felt super special and nice. It was like finding a dollar in your pocket; it's not really worth much, but you weren't expecting it, and it made your day just a little nicer. 

So I pulled into the lot, happy. As I lock the door and walk towards the store, I hear a little "ahem."

I turn around and there is a tiny, old woman behind me. She looks at me, smiles, then says the following sentence.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you're pregnant enough for that spot."

While I just gape, open mouth and confused, she nods at me, then walks around me, into the store.

"I also noticed you were happy. You should stop that too, it's unseemly."

Now, I suppose I should mention that I have actually lost weight during this pregnancy. Despite having a decent sized belly bump and having breasts that have grown four cup sizes, I have gone from a size 10 to a size 6. Given that, all of my clothes are huge on me, so I don't particularly look that pregnant.

I wouldn't have normally even parked in that parking spot, but I was having a particularly bad nausea day, even with my medicine, had to pee (pregnant people have to pee all the time, have I told you guys this?), and was just exhausted in general. There are also about eight of these spaces in this particular lot, and all of them were open that day...and you know what, screw all of that. I don't need any excuses.

None of that matters. Even me not looking pregnant matters. You should never, EVER say that to someone. It's not like I was taking up a handicapped spot, I was taking an expectant mother parking spot. The only requirement for that is to be a human being making another human being inside of your body.

I only get to park there for 40 weeks, I sure as hell am going to take advantage of it while I can, and that old lady can go ahead and kiss my baby-making ass while I do it.

She'll have to do it while I mop the remains of this bad boy up with a glazed donut.

What My Response Should Have Been: I am actually not sure what would have been appropriate. Maybe I could've shown her my new super power of being able to puke spontaneously or crying while reading sad comic book character origin stories? (Seriously, try to not cry after reading Dex-Starr's backstory. That shit is heartbreaking.)

The Lesson Here: Don't judge people, or if you do, do it silently so they don't rant about you on the Internet to all of their friends, who will then hate you.

If you like my blog, follow on Facebook so you can keep up with my crazy words.
Facebook Page - Plus 1 Life Blog